It lets me know I still have much to do and say in this world and with the people in and around my life. God is good, I could complain but lately I don’t I write, I read or I just wait till I find a reason to smile. Doing what I do it makes me realize the seriousness and bittersweet joy of “nothing”. I enjoy just sitting and empty heading zoning…not to often lately but keepin busy keeps the clock ticking. Seems just yesterday we were on a plane to Kuwait…7monthes left and we’ll see where I end. Whether its Japan, England, Florida, DC or even the V I’m ready to make it happen. There are many wonderful things and people waiting to do much and i’m one of them.

P.S. Never would I say she “completes me” but she does definitly help the puzzle come together

 As much as I chase dreams its my nightmares and my shortcomings that really affect and guide my life.

And see darkness, waiten for the light
I know my demons patient so im waiting for a fight
They waiten jus to strike,but im phokused so I won’t miss em
Its kinda hard to see it like july wit christmas
Instant-ly
They be tempting me
My heart a jar full of scars
Every day its emptying
So why would I sleep even with a angel next to me
Knowing that moment would only get the best of me
Real love,smooth living,wish there was a recipe
The closest I see peace in the streets is on sesame
I guess that’s what happens when its materials things u in love wit
Nothin but a bushel of crabs in a bucket
Tryna make it out but they don’t realize
Its 1 against 1 that leads to they’re demise
If everybody stacked and worked together like a team
They’d be chillen instead of skwealing when they go against the steam
My lifes a bad barbor, I go against the grain
But its also a soldier cause it gos against the pain
I remember running rapid while feeling frozen in the rain
The spirit of fighter inside him only thing that kept him sane
I tell my brothers I love em and no its not in vain
But it hurts cause our relationship is no longer the same
I done changed,I know it,im moldin im growin
but still fly as the ozone and deeper than an ocean
But they real and understand my determination for paper chasin
So Instead of hate, they hold me down like a paperweight
If u think there are any better friends u dead wrong
Cause halfway around the world all I got is my headphones
My god and my gift, but lately I been loosin memories
Cause those I choose to remember seem not to remember me
Its understandable tho, I aint trippen
Cause when you waitin my tables best believe I aint tippen
I promise u lying sayin I aint piffen, or I aint hot
4 years I been at it and I aint stopped
I would get a lil cocky and say I aint flopped
But due to circumstances still I aint dropped
I aint pop,but damn right I been doin songs
Why not do a verse if it’ll make the movement strong
Oh Ofcourse the realist is where I try to keep it
The only heavyweight who’s miles are flyer frequent
I literally done shows aroun the globe
Made euros in plurals just by rappin with unknowns
Met the coolest dudes, and hottest chicks at worlds end
Homie had options from brazil to berlin
My friend, I don’t seen a lot although I used to be blind
Some say ima as*hole cause I used to be kind
I say it is what it is and I am what I am
U can judge me when im gone but now jus welcome back ya fam

20080228 0701

*17*

Ever felt alone in a room full of friends….I feel like that EVERYWHERE nowadays and it sucks….I thought coming home would put me in a  more “comfortable” social and mental state but honestly I still feel just as if not more awkward here cause these are my fam, my friends, my bloodline….and I still feel like the “outsider”. I almost get there jokes and Im pretty good at guessing who they’re talkin about, I’m still flyer than the average astro but It seems every puzzle I almost pice together is missing a piece entirly. Maybe its just the initial shock of me coming home but as of right now all I want to do I CANT and all i need to do I’ve done and isn’t helping….maybe my mini V to Wiesbaden will bring clarity tp the situation or maybe what I’ve feared most has come to manifest…Move on and Move strong!? Naw…..I’ma heavyweight regardless,my team is the strongest and those who have been loyal and trustworthy deserve and need me just as I need them. Growin up is weird…I coulda SWORE a few more people would be aroun these days  but I guess “it is what it is”. Time to get ready for lunch with a stranger HA! The army has changed me….I think its so bad cause everything else is just the same when subcontiously I’m thinking everyone has changed also but really it hasn’t…much, things are just the same…I thought that would be good but maybe thats the problem….definitly gotta study abroad when it comes time…More tattoos on the way if necessary but right now its back to the music….Long time no speak old friend. The department of defense doesn’t condone my mental well-being by writing to you so I havn’t lately but you understand.  As you always do 

18 till the world keeps spinning

It’s funny how thing change with maturity. I wish I could say the things I wanted and needed in life are the same as they’ve always been. If only I could get a good part time job, live life check to check and be content with all things simple and plain but thats not life. I smile because through change I see even now things are enjoyable but it all just seems so foreign. I grow apart more and more from society as I’m placed in the enviroment but it’s all good I guess. Still wish things could be more concrete but I guess thats to much to ask under my current living conditions. For now I sustain and still smile cause all is well genereally speaking,long time no speak but its still love

Its funny how I used to write for love…Now with a Love for writing I understand where I went wrong at times….When you tell people something they take but its mostly forgotten.But a letter,note,poem….for some these things are held onto for a lifetime. So when it comes to whispering sweet nothings using your pen as your mouth and paper as a listening ear it sticks. Never again while I fortell unspoken promises unless i’m sure I can fulfill them….It hurts.

Its funny how my life was my music,and if anything came down to it I felt I would die for it. Now that i realize Music is Life I couldn’t dare go out without blazing….besides if I died who would be this live!?

Its Funny how growing up I SWORE money bought happiness.Now realizing its nothing more than a down payment thats unnecessary…atleast to my standards. I’m glad I’ve been put in the position where I can honestly say I enjoy the pure things of this world like sunshine, true friends, close family and laughter.

It could always be worse so i smile inspite of…even now. I Pray and I feel God. I Sleep and Feel Love. I Write and Feel Free. Even Alone I’m surrounded . These are the things that keep me grounded.

I

Not including personal hygeine,PT or any thing else I need to during the day I work 2000 to 8 7days a week until further notice.It doesn’t bother me cause I was working damn near the same hours when I was at VCC lol.Surprisingly I’m not stressed,shaken or stirred here.I smile often and optimism keeps me there.I’ve fallen for the White Choclate Mocca but besides that I can’t complain.When I came to germany I felt people forgot about me so intern I forced them outta of my memory and heart until I came home for leave.Since then up until now I see that its just the opposite,they continue living but they still remember and care for me so I do the same.Feels good to wake up in the middle of the night knowing someone is thinking of me Sorry Curt,Your not the only way still laughing…..Live is good despite the possobilities

Another near death experience in Germany and I guess I feel God is on my side once more….I’m learning more and more to live for self and consider others when necessary I’m still in love wit HER…But I’m leaving and she’s the only one coming with me so I can’t complain. I Smile

Tell life that I’m afta her & love that i Miss it
Hate that I envy him & death that I’m ditchen
Wisdom that I’m feelin him & hope that I’m grippen
As tight as I can cause this world got me slippen
Integrity raised me & gave me my clear vision
But Anger makes me wanna give some people incisions
Life & Expectations got me perfecting my image
While Death & desimation got me feelin so empty
Sin tryna tempt me while good tryna help me out
But eitha way the battle jus feels endless
& then me reminising about love & its thin line
Got me breaking down & str8 hurtin with a vengeance
It aint no easy way 4 me 2 end this compisition
Jus when I feel everything fits I notice somethin missin
So wit that sentence,& me realizing my feelings
I’m content knowing that feeling in me is now existing